trapped in the twenties

i often wonder what life really should be like in your twenties. is the 20s really the time of your life – where you’re free to do what you want with your earnings, go where you want without restrictions from your parents, and just be whatever you want to be. you’re supposed to be liberated – freed from your parents grasps and freed from the misery of not having your own money to spend.

that’s the impression i get about life in the twenties but my twenties, realistically speaking, is quite far from it. there are times where i feel trapped. there seemed to be so much you have to do and achieve in your twenties – you have to earn enough for yourself, your parents, your near future and your far future, like retirement. i don’t own a car or an apartment of my own. i don’t own a single designer bags/shoes/clothes. i don’t even have enough savings to be comfortable with the idea of quitting tomorrow. i don’t get to travel as much as i want to. i don’t even party.

i have worked for almost 8 years and i still feel like i’m struggling to meet all these needs. once you’re done paying school fees, you start paying for your own living expenses, pay for your parents and the household expenditure, save for rainy days, insure yourself for the future, insure for your parents future medical expenditure and who knows what else?

it seems like the older you get, the more needs you need to meet. i can’t imagine having my own family on top of all that i need to pay for now – i either have to marry rich or just resigned to a life of living pay cheque to pay cheque.

surely, there must be a better way to live, isn’t it? there must be a way to have enough for what you need to survive and what you have in excess to enjoy.

no?!

hopefully, i’m one of those people whose life gets better and richer as they get older. hopefully.

words to live by

this is all you need.

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time some time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative – dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

the torn and tattered blue backpack

i stood behind a teenage boy while waiting to board the bus. unaware of my surroundings because of the music streaming into my ears and my mind wandering far far away, i only realized that the boy standing in front of me was blind when he held up the queue because he needed a bit of time to talk to the driver about when he needed to alight.

i don’t consider myself an unkind person but i’m always a bit clumsy and lost when it comes to helping strangers. i guess it is because i’ve been so accustomed to people being independent and expecting people to be self reliant that it takes a few seconds (maybe my reflexes are just really slow) to respond and a few more seconds to turn the frown into a smile.

this is what i did when i realized the boy was blind – squashed between him and the impatient crowd behind me, i made my way out of the queue and proceeded to the nearest seat on the assumption that it’s probably where the boy is going to sit – he did – i figured i could at least make sure he is looked after during the length of the bus journey.

i watched him throughout the bus ride – out of curiosity, out of admiration and out of concern. what caught my eye was the blue backpack he was carrying. it was literally falling apart and it looked like he has been carrying since he was a kid. immediately, i thought of the brand new blue backpack i got for free from my gym – the brand new blue backpack i was going to give away because it didn’t look stylish enough. i had the urge to ask him whether i could give him my blue backpack but i wasn’t sure how weird that would sound to him and i wasn’t sure if that bag was still lying around somewhere at home.

the disparity between the torn and tattered bag he was carrying and the brand new bag i didn’t even want was too huge. one cannot help but feel slightly ashamed or guilty. in the course of a few minutes, a lot of things seemed less important – it didn’t matter if his clothes added years to his age, it didn’t matter if his bag was falling apart, it didn’t matter if he couldn’t see – because despite not having a lot in my eyes, he seemed to be getting around fine – he could converse like a normal teenager in both English and Chinese, he could move around without anybody’s help and he was a boy who had a place to go. that’s all we need for a dignified life, isn’t it?

i asked him where he was alighting and informed him when it was time to alight. coincidentally, we alighted at the same stop – he alighted from the front door and me from the back. for some unknown reason, i stood at the bus stop and watched him alight on his own and watched the people waiting to board give way. no one offered a helping hand but i couldn’t help but wonder, perhaps, he preferred it this way?

i hung around and watched him made a few calls on his cell phone because i wanted to ask him whether was there anywhere i could walk him to. when i finally had the chance to ask in between his calls, he said “i’m just making a few calls and it’s ok, i can move around on my own.” hearing that made me glad and i couldn’t help but think of the people in his life and our transportation authorities who have in one way or another contributed to assisting them in making their way around independently easier. i was once again hit with the realisation of how little i am contributing to my country and the less fortunate people.

i left him saying “alright! be careful!”.

be careful!?!

i wished i said something a little more intelligent and meaningful.

continued watching him from across the road just to make sure he gets to the other side safely. all that watching – perhaps, all i wanted  was to register life’s re-cap of it’s more important lessons in my mind a little more fully.

thank you, young lad, for this moment.

wallpaper 2012

music to my ears

i bought a designed for iphone 4 klipsch in-ear headphones.

was it pricey? yes – i have never paid more than $60 bucks for a headphones. was it worth it? yes – air mic, full music control plus great sound quality. beats the $60 apple earphone hands down in terms of quality, comfort and hopefully, life span (because apple earphone never last for more than 10 months under my care).

time to clean up my itunes music – only listen to the best!

30 lessons on living

“Each decade, each age, has opportunities that weren’t actually there in the previous time.”

inspiring read on a sunday morning. am almost glad i woke up early to do some reading on nytimes.com

favourite time of day

11.30pm to 12.30am.

it’s usually the time where i feel the most relaxed, most reflective and most blessed.

i guess i just like being alone.

i guess i just like being awake when everyone else has gone to bed.

if it was a morning person, i figured i would love the time between 5.30 to 7am.

goodnight.

piano + guitar | piano / guitar ?

on the last day of 2011, i fell in love with adele’s “make you feel my love”. her voice is very soothing to the soul and i thought the use of the piano made the whole song even lovelier.

i felt the urge to pick up what i gave up when i was 14. why didn’t i have the hindsight or discipline to take my piano lessons seriously?

on the first day 2012, i fell in love with aggie “旋转门”. i thought the use of the guitar was very fitting for the song.

i felt the urge to do what i have been wanting to do since i was 17 – learn the guitar.

the reason for the procrastination is because of time, financial and personal space constraint. my mum couldn’t resist rubbing with these words “you should have stuck with it when you were younger – we paid for your lessons and you had all the time in the world to practice. fancy trying to find the time and your own money now.”

bah.

my gut feeling tells me that 2012 is the year i’ll finally go sign up for guitar lessons. maybe i really am feeling old, i actually feel that i do not have excess time to spend on procrastination. plus, i feel like my reflexes and coordination has deteriorated quite significantly since i stopped my piano and dance classes.

i need to go learn something before i deteriorate further. besides, to still want it after 10 years must mean something right? well, to put it all for 10 years must also mean something too. ha-ha.

but i’ll never know the answer unless i take the first step to try.

 

23:59

it was 23:59 on the 1st day of 2012 when i glanced at the clock – somehow, i got a little excited knowing that i was on the threshold of another brand new day in a brand new year.

it has been a relaxing day. perhaps not a day most efficiently spent but hey, we all need a break every now and then eh? woke up surprisingly early today considering how late i slept the night before. i decided to spend the day doing what i consider to be one of the more time wasting activities – watching a full day worth of taiwanese drama – but i guess it’s not so bad when you do it as infrequently as i do. it can be very nice to immerse yourself in another world – a form of escape, a short, inexpensive and hassle free getaway for the mind.

julianne brought grandma to our place today. it has been probably 5 years since she last visited our home (it’s always us going over to hers) and it was really lovely seeing her in our home. julianne ran some errands with my sister. julianne parents joined us for dinner. it’s always nice to have julianne around! i smiled when i watched her holding my grandma’s hand as they made their way to her car. bless her heart!

i honestly couldn’t think of a better way to spend the first day of 2012 and if it wasn’t for julianne, the day wouldn’t have turned out the same way. i just feel that everyone is happier when she is around. it’s impossible not to adore her. i will gladly admit that i’m not even half as likable as her.

i think i’m gonna have her visit us more often…

我可能不会爱你

2012 arrived while i was watching the new taiwan drama “我可能不会爱你”。of all the dramas charlene watches (and she watches A LOT), this is probably the only drama she has asked me to watch in the time i know her and probably the only drama where i was ok watching…

i was chucking away 5 minutes into the drama because of how apt it was. this bears similarity to one of my favourite taiwan drama – 败犬女王. both dramas touched on the social stigmas a single girl of that age group face in our current society but they all had happy endings! the current one resonates more because it’s about a single girl who just turned 30 (whereas in 败犬女王, the lead character was already in her early 30s) and the arrival of 2012 means that i will be 29 in 7 months time.

it’s amazing how much and how beautiful Ariel Lin has grown. with a great wardrobe and shoes, i feel so much pleasure watching her on screen. it doesn’t hurt at all too to have an equally charming leading man.

i can’t wait to watch the next episode tomorrow…and i can’t wait to go out and get new shoes.