while cleaning out my drawers, i came across a diary entry written on 20 february 2005. the first sentence reads “there will be times in life when you really believe that you’re better off dead…life overwhelms me. i can’t see a better day. what good is a million tomorrows if there is nothing you can do with it?”
i was 22 years old. looking back at the past with the eyes of my 29 year old self, i do admit that, between the ages of 15 to 25, all i could feel for life was that it seemed like a never ending journey of misery. 10 years is a long time and however trivial those struggling years seemed like when compared to the endless misfortunes on Earth, there were many times when i stupidly think that life was ready to come to an end. i did not ever contemplate the ways to die because i’m not sure if jumping off the building was something i wanted. what i wanted more was to be asleep forever, to never have to wake up and go through the same crap every single day.
how i got through the crap and made it to this age old smiling more than ever is beyond me. i’m sure i got here with a right mixture of good friends, mentors, religion (at some point), self help books, an open and willing heart/mind to change and receive and of course life’s grace. sometimes, all you need is a paradigm shift to feel better about everything in life.
when reading the entry this afternoon, i was surprised by the despair i felt then but i was also glad that the long years of sadness have their place in the past now. nothing stays the same forever – sometimes, if the heart and mind is willing, certain situations can be changed faster than your depressed self is capable of imagining.
when in doubt, i would always think of one of the lines from the book “prozac nation” – think happy thoughts.