of paper and people

it’s a beautiful saturday morning and i’m all alone at home. i’m starting to believe and accept the fact that i truly am a loner.

although i enjoy the occasional company of my friends and loved ones, i seemed to need more solitude than most people. i am mostly alone but not as lonely as most people think i am.

just like some people are always surprised to know that i’m perfectly fine with dining, eating, shopping, cycling at east coast and watching movie alone, i’m always surprised to know that they are not able to do that without the company of people.

if i spent 5 days interacting intensely with people, i need another 10 days of solitude to find my balance back. i like to be left alone to read my book, listen to my music, day dream, reflect, watch tv, blog, shop and work.

i’m so used to be being on my own i feel a slight discomfort when someone is beside me when i’m trying to do my own things. the amount of space i need is, sometimes, in very unreasonable quantities.

i’m appreciative when both parties step into a shop and each go their different way to see the things they like and enjoy. isn’t it more meaningful that way then hovering around each other and stressing each other out? well, that’s just one opinion.

many people do not understand why i am still single given their unbelievably kind comments on the qualities i possessed. that’s because they don’t know me as well as i do, i think.

for one, i’m not a people person (i.e. not the most sociable person)

if there was a book and a human being in a room, i will smile at the human and reach for the book to read.

i realised that when a group of us went to visit a friend’s place. everyone was fussing over the owner of the house  (our friend), her house, her baby, her photos and i was more interested in the never-seen-before scenic view around her house. when i realised it minutes later, i went in to join in their conversations because i thought it was a bit rude of me although it wasn’t intentional on my part.

and because i’m not a people person, i come across as aloof. this adjective is often used in the same breath as “kind, nice, warm and genuine”. go figure.

to a certain extend, i have very little interest in people, limiting my care and concerns only to the people i genuinely care about and there are not many them.

i can walk away from a gossip, be absent for a gathering or be silent the whole day in the company of people and not feel like i’m missing out on life.

and because i’m not a people person, there are many human behaviours that i cannot tolerate. little things about people irks me – talking too loudly, talking too much, leaving my things lying around, being ungracious, being shallow, being pretentious, being hypocritical, seeking attention, being conceited …etc. of course, if you’re family, i try to ignore my rising blood pressure but if you’re another human being, you can count on us not being even acquaintance. i honestly won’t bother.

that is why all my close friends are always much better beings than me. i’d like to think that i’ve at least met my own requirement of acceptable human behaviours to have such nice people accept me as their friend.

and because there so many behaviours i am unable to tolerate in people, i don’t love them easily.

(please note that, just because i don’t love people easily, i will still lend a helping hand even if you have all the qualities i dislike – like if you fainted along the corridor, i’ll definitely help to call the ambulance and make sure you’re ok. i don’t want my lack of love for people to be interpreted as an indifference to the spirit of humanity. i’m just trying to explain the co-relations between my love for solitude and my stringent selection of people whom i chose to hang out with. life is too short to hang out with people you don’t love with all your heart.)

and if i’m already so strict with who i want to be friends with, just imagine being my more-than-friends.

you must be some kind of saint – at least in my eyes you will be – to be able to blend well with my contradicting qualities, my need for solitude and still love me.

it is during times like these, i allow myself to believe that accountancy is the right profession for me. i don’t really like talking at length unless you’re my friend, family or my saint.

being in sales or marketing would mean i have to talk non stop with people for sales, networking and partnerships. being in human resource means high intensity interaction with people.

how mentally and emotionally draining is that.

at least with accountancy, i get a well balanced mix of paper and people and that can be a very comforting thought for a “not that extreme a loner, not quite the social butterfly” person like me.

of course, if talent and opportunities were a given, i’d rather be a very fine writer, working on my own with my vivid imagination, on my gorgeous macbook (or mont blanc pen and paper) in a secluded corner of this busy and crowded world.


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