a tempting, melancholic heart

i’m feeling a little melancholic today and i am not sure how much of it is hormonal and how much of it is factual.

part of me hope that tomorrow will never come so i can let reality sink in a little deeper. part of me hope that tomorrow will come asap so i can dwell happily in my little solace again.

i thought melancholy will never hit if i kept myself busy enough but who am i kidding?

i am after all the queen of melancholy. i am alive when melancholic.

i find myself reminiscing many beautiful moments. i find myself longing for more beautiful moments. i find myself refraining from myself.

i find myself remembering memories long forgotten. i find myself cringing at the amount of longing that existed in the past. i find myself asking again and again why i should allow myself to go through this again. i find myself asking if this is what my life is meant to be and whether i should just let go and live it.

tinge of melancholy always comes with a tinge of hope, or maybe more accurately, whimsicality.

what if, perhaps or maybe.

whimsicality makes you wonder. wondering makes you hope and hoping often bring your inner desires to reality.

want, don’t want, want, don’t want.

i want it actually but there’s just too much uncertainty.

but nothing is certain in life.

that does not change the fact that there is just too much uncertainty and the returns just doesn’t justify the amount of risk.

but returns are relative.

what do i really want? i don’t know. if i don’t know, does that mean i can do just about any damn thing i want?

but not knowing doesn’t imply blatant recklessness.

i am trying to use logic to counter the heart again and i know i will never get to an answer i’m truly satisfied with because the mind and the heart is desiring for different things.

i am actually quite reluctant to make a decision.

can i keep going with the flow until it fades away? at least when it comes to an end, you can’t really feel the end when you never really let it began.

that’s denial at it’s best, i think.

i’m afraid of saying yes.

because it seems so final and daunting.

i’m afraid of not saying anything.

because it means the fence will be where we will be always sitted.

i’m afraid of uncertainty.

because it means it will end even if i gave my best and played it right.

i’m afraid of how it might end.

because if it didn’t end on our accord, someone else and many external factors beyond my control would end it for me.

am i really prepared for that?

can one really prepare themselves for that?

how do you truly enjoy the journey when you are subconsciously preparing for the last moment in your heart, in your head?

it will be truly living life to the fullest, enjoying each moment like it is the last. will i be able to withstand the intensity and the longing?

i’m all about living for the moment but i don’t want this to be my lifetime pain.

my heart is no longer 16 even if i am still capable of behaving like one in the presence of the exclusively selected.

3 alter egos. 3 different persona to cater to my different needs.

but i realised something yesterday when i wanted to share a news. how do i talk to the other 2 personas when i am not supposed to talk to persona #3? will we always be able to draw the lines so clearly or are we deceiving ourselves into thinking that we can and then it dawned on me the possibility of my nightmare occurring – that someday i might lose all 3.

emotions has this uncanny ability to  get the better of our intentions.

and i never ever want to put 1 and 2 at risk by being reckless with 3 because all 3 of you simply mean too much to me.

we started with 1 and it evolved to 2 before it blossomed so beautifully to 3.

we don’t know what else is written in the stars…
should we take a chance on this?
like how i am already taking a chance on three…

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