over for the 100th time

“an excerpt from the mind and the heart
 
“…i think i need to stop kidding myself. just when i thought, perhaps, i was capable of loving you in that old, passionate and frivolous manner, i saw those 2 boats. it was quite surreal, like one of my many nightmares come to life. i think what made me lost in my thoughts of wonderment, as i stood there looking at those boats, was the fact that it took me this long, this far and this many years of aligning the conscience to be against moral values, to realise that the truth of your relationship couldn’t be more blatant that this.
 
a myriad of thoughts crossed my mind. did i not see this coming? haven’t i always knew it would end up like this? am i not over you? all the revelations i didn’t want myself to reflect upon, all that i have decided to keep at the back of my mind, came hurling itself forward into the present, into this very moment, as i sat silently in the car, trying to figure out the mix of emotions that was going through me.
 
i was ashamed and angry, torn and agonised at myself, with myself, that i even allowed the heart to hope, rather desperately, for a boat which would bear my initials, my name or even the silly monikers you affectionately call me by just so i could tell myself those years we spent together and all that i have felt towards us were not a fragment of my imagination. but all i hope for came to naught.   
 
i must admit, it is a little silly to let some boats end the long vicious cycle of my comings and goings. i came and went, sat on the fence, again and again until i lost myself and whatever faith and hope i used to have for us. i am a victim of my own optimism when it comes to love. who am i to hope that, someday, my existence in your life would be reflected on the things, on those boats, that are clearly so important to you. for i am nothing but solace, a temporary escape, for your amusement and pleasure.
 
goodbye lovely stranger. my heart no longer belongs to you. never ever again.”
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