never 26

i don’t know why but i’m constantly surprised when i do my monthly facebook log-in to accept friends and delete requests – *gasps* people are still so involved with facebook?!?!

sometimes i really wonder am i really 26.

how come i never did fancy friendster, facebook or twitter?

i can fully appreciate blogging though.

i guess i am just not the sociable sort. haha.

the hand written journal

i haven’t wrote anything in it for a while because i don’t feel like writing at all. i have no qualms with typing though, thus this blog contains more of my thoughts than the journal.

i realised i only feel like journaling when i am very happy – delirious, ecstatic, out of this world kind of happy or when i am feeling melancholic in an old fashion, romantically melancholic kind of way.

i have been feeling none of that for a while.

in fact, i don’t really know what i am feeling.

out of it would fittingly describe myself but yet i am not out of it enough to stop functioning totally.

i am just very dazed like a big cloud has decided to cloud my already cloudy mind.

i can’t really think straight.

i’m not sure if i can keep this not thinking straight mind thinking.

i’m not sure if you know what i am saying but it is ok if you don’t.

the graceful 40

today a colleague remarked, “you know, i have come to realise that there is something very wrong with single middle age women. i don’t mean to be mean, but seriously, they are all so weird!”

i smiled.

i have always imagined myself to be a very cool and sassy single middle age woman.

my boss pat my forearm and said, “chloe, please, go and find a boyfriend and then get married.”

i laughed.

i knew that line was coming.

i replied “i actually have met a lot of very cool, sassy and successful single middle age women who are nothing like the people here.”

they agreed that some are truly remarkable and that weird single middle age women are usually insecure. how weird they turn out depends on the magnitude of their insecurities.

i once reflected on the ladies i admired and aspired to be in my head – they were all in to their mid thirties or early forties; all caring; all successful, all proficient in english, all generous, all independent, all hip, all fun, all classy and full of grace, all morally upright, all doing their part for humanity, all had an apartment of their own, all drove their own car  and all happily single.

i think i need to find a married woman who is all the above, except happily single of course.

or else i don’t see how the wirings of my mind is ever going to change.

if i ever was, will i ever be again.

i miss being witty (if i ever was witty).

some intense emotions has this uncanny ability to dull my mind. i was hoping my mind will not be subdued by these emotions so quickly but it seems like i’m losing the battle to a perpetual dream like state of mind.

this is not good at all.

to think that i had the nerve to comment on my distaste for people who seemed to have lost the razor sharpness of their mind once they are too overwhelmed by emotions.

i remembered the reply to my remark.

“haha. you will be like them very soon.”

i better get a grip while i still can because none of my planned emotions are happening as planned.

i miss the fearlessness of july. how did i end up being so consumed by my own fears?

i feel threatened by my own vulnerability.

get a grip.

get a grip.

some 5 minutes ago, i pondered over the line “curiosity killed the cat” and i couldn’t help but wonder how often has harm come my way because of my curiosity?

curious to know what will come next, where it will go next, where i’ll end up next and what will happened next….and i’m almost always curious about things i shouldn’t even attempt to be curious about.

i decided to read up on the famous proverb after realisaing how perplexed i am over my incessant need to be unnecessarily curious and what i read made me laugh.

i really love this:

“curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back.”

“curiosity killed the cat! ask me no questions and i’ll tell you no lies.” eugene o’neill.

the original proverb was “care (worry/sorrow) killed the cat.”

“care killed the Cat. it is said that a cat has nine lives, but care would wear them all out.”

both the original and the improvised version hits home.

badges of valor

i was cleaning my box of random items today when i came across 2 badges i bought from a gift shop some 3 – 4 years ago.

badge 1 reads:

“i love my attitude problem.”

badge 2 reads:

“people who are punctual have nothing better to do.”

chuckles.

i guess some traits in me will never change with age because it is still quite an accurate reflection of me currently.

sweet seventeen

here’s reason #5767454 why cleaning room is theraputic.

5 august 2000.

i took time off school (poly) to head to adeline for my secondary school exchange program. we stayed in a service apartment along the red light district. you could sirens every evening but it was a lot of fun.

 was looking at my 17 year old self.
one month after graduating from my 16 year old self.

wow.

will i ever look like that again?! 

 

hahahaha…..
so young. so wholesome and so damn slim!

i was 11kg lighter then even when i ate 11 times more than what i am eating now. i used to eat kfc everyday. i only ate upsized meals. i ate more than 5 full meals in a day. i had suppers and i snacked constantly.

and the only exercise i did was dancing.

i guess dancing + sleeping is very important because i stopped doing that after i turned 18. sleeping at 4am became the norm and maybe that’s why my body’s so screwed up  now.

ah. being young is so much fun yet my teen years were miserable.
i am so glad i have come of age and i think it had be nice to reflect on the coming of age years. some people don’t survive it and some people do.
wouldn’t it be nice to think about how far (or far off) you have come along?
another thing to add to my already very long to do list.

maybe i should also make it a personal goal to gain back my 17 year old physical self back by my 27th birthday. haha!

/UPDATE/

ps:
i absolutey love the miss selfridge denim jacket i used to own. it’s cost me $80 and i wore it to school everyday. a few years ago, julian’s mother bought it from me for $50 because she absolutely love it too. i sold it because i stopped wearing it.

between then now, i never found another jacket i loved enough to buy. however, last week i saw a pretty one at Gap. if their blazer can fit me nicely, i’m sure the denim jacket will too?

i also love the gray sweat pants from espirt and it cost as much as the denim jacket. i still can’t bear to throw it away to this day.

i find this to be a pretty good reflection of me when i love something. when i love something, i tend to love it for a long long long time. when my time with an item has run it’s course, and comes along another person who can love it more than i do, i will let it go and still have nothing but the fondest and loveliest memories of it.

just like the denim jacket.
i still think it’s a great jacket.

you don’t always have to own an item forever to show your love for it.

and there will always be items that you can own forever because of your love for it and it’s unfailing dedication to you.
if you can have something you love forever, then let it spend forever with you.

just like the grey sweat pants.
i still like my grey sweat pants even though it has been sleeping in the closet for many years.

it was taken on 29/05/09

3 months from then means 29 august 2009.

oh my god!

my eyes are so getting an eyeful this month.

chuckles.

may + august = 13 again.

maybe  should go buy 4D.

5813.

in the hope of.

silence.

it’s coming to the 3rd day.

i wonder why are we doing this. initiated it because it’d be good to feel the worst before the eventual happening.

more importantly, time and space is given to allow deep contemplation.

thought back to the last few weeks, especially the last one week, especially the last time.

it is still so unreal.

fragments of imagination or pieces of reality?

i feel like i am still in slumber because reality should be a lot less beautiful than this.

i thought back to the last conversation.

birthday celebrations were discussed.

that’s one year from now but it is already being discussed.

somewhere, within the depths of the souls, something is desiring for some form of togetherness.

a togetherness longer than temporary.

a togetherness shorter than eternity.

a togetherness that is good while it last; a togetherness of some tangibility.

a togetherness that is not taken lightly

evidently so in how the 3 days is being taken so seriously.

a tempting, melancholic heart

i’m feeling a little melancholic today and i am not sure how much of it is hormonal and how much of it is factual.

part of me hope that tomorrow will never come so i can let reality sink in a little deeper. part of me hope that tomorrow will come asap so i can dwell happily in my little solace again.

i thought melancholy will never hit if i kept myself busy enough but who am i kidding?

i am after all the queen of melancholy. i am alive when melancholic.

i find myself reminiscing many beautiful moments. i find myself longing for more beautiful moments. i find myself refraining from myself.

i find myself remembering memories long forgotten. i find myself cringing at the amount of longing that existed in the past. i find myself asking again and again why i should allow myself to go through this again. i find myself asking if this is what my life is meant to be and whether i should just let go and live it.

tinge of melancholy always comes with a tinge of hope, or maybe more accurately, whimsicality.

what if, perhaps or maybe.

whimsicality makes you wonder. wondering makes you hope and hoping often bring your inner desires to reality.

want, don’t want, want, don’t want.

i want it actually but there’s just too much uncertainty.

but nothing is certain in life.

that does not change the fact that there is just too much uncertainty and the returns just doesn’t justify the amount of risk.

but returns are relative.

what do i really want? i don’t know. if i don’t know, does that mean i can do just about any damn thing i want?

but not knowing doesn’t imply blatant recklessness.

i am trying to use logic to counter the heart again and i know i will never get to an answer i’m truly satisfied with because the mind and the heart is desiring for different things.

i am actually quite reluctant to make a decision.

can i keep going with the flow until it fades away? at least when it comes to an end, you can’t really feel the end when you never really let it began.

that’s denial at it’s best, i think.

i’m afraid of saying yes.

because it seems so final and daunting.

i’m afraid of not saying anything.

because it means the fence will be where we will be always sitted.

i’m afraid of uncertainty.

because it means it will end even if i gave my best and played it right.

i’m afraid of how it might end.

because if it didn’t end on our accord, someone else and many external factors beyond my control would end it for me.

am i really prepared for that?

can one really prepare themselves for that?

how do you truly enjoy the journey when you are subconsciously preparing for the last moment in your heart, in your head?

it will be truly living life to the fullest, enjoying each moment like it is the last. will i be able to withstand the intensity and the longing?

i’m all about living for the moment but i don’t want this to be my lifetime pain.

my heart is no longer 16 even if i am still capable of behaving like one in the presence of the exclusively selected.

3 alter egos. 3 different persona to cater to my different needs.

but i realised something yesterday when i wanted to share a news. how do i talk to the other 2 personas when i am not supposed to talk to persona #3? will we always be able to draw the lines so clearly or are we deceiving ourselves into thinking that we can and then it dawned on me the possibility of my nightmare occurring – that someday i might lose all 3.

emotions has this uncanny ability to  get the better of our intentions.

and i never ever want to put 1 and 2 at risk by being reckless with 3 because all 3 of you simply mean too much to me.

we started with 1 and it evolved to 2 before it blossomed so beautifully to 3.

we don’t know what else is written in the stars…
should we take a chance on this?
like how i am already taking a chance on three…

little creature on the road

i wonder what is it like to be so small in this big big world.

how do get around without getting stepped on?!

a 2009 resolution : a free spirit

i want to be a free spirit.

everytime i want to be a bad ass, my conscience advised me against it.

everytime i want to do good, the devil in me wants to do otherwise.

everytime i want to give up, the stubborn me unnecessary persists.

everytime i want to persist, the lazy me tempt me to give up.

everytime i want to let go, morals, values and beliefs hold me back.

everytime i want to hold back, the free spirit shouts WHY!

everytime i want to think less to be happier, a voice tells me this is just self denial.

everytime i want to think more, another voice asked me why i bother since i’m not a natural thinker.
in the end, i never enjoy most of my moments because it is never really what i want or i’m doing it half heartedly because my mind contradicts itself. on top of that, i’m always worried about or constrained by something else. very often, i end up not knowing why i’m doing something and wondering why i can’t do other things.

this year, i resolved to rid myself of such feelings simply because life is too short and i am getting too old to constantly second guess, cross examine and lament about every single action and moment of my life.

i resolve to think less about trivial things.

i resolve to be more spontaneous when it comes to my personal life as i am a procrastinator by nature.

i resolve to just go do whatever i want as long as it doesn’t endanger the lives of others.

i resolve to get myself out of situations i am not obligated to enjoy.

i resolve to accept obligations a little more willingly and happily.

i resolve to take more and give more from/to the people around me.

i resolve to be easier on myself.

i resolve to be happier.

because i don’t know what happiness is.

i am easily contented most of the time.

if happiness means contentment, then i guess i am happy most of the time.

but thing is, i am not and i don’t know why.

is it possible to be contented, happy and feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness at the same time?

no? then i guess i am not happy.

yes? then why am i still empty?

i think too much.

看图说话

lonely night
alone on a visibly empty street
i waited for an hour
when i saw you
i wondered, why did i bother?

silence filled the space between me and you
i glanced sideways, you looked straight ahead
you don’t feel it
but something has changed
and nothing will be the same

He told me
you are no good for me
i told Him
i know what’s good for me
tonight, i stand corrected.

blind faith clouded my vision
but time told me the truth
the universe did not make an exception
your love was a deception
i am now heartbroken

i wished for a closure
but you wouldn’t give me one
so i will paint myself a story
to leave this place
emotionally unharmed

warped little mind

“your mind is very weird. i think you have split personality.” my boss said this to me over tea.