a penny for your thoughts

maintenance of parents act forum

hmmm.

the nccla

i attended a fund raising event for new cambodian children’s life association on 5 september.

it was a jointly organised by nccla  and a couple and some volunteers. all proceeds from the event (collected through food, admission tickets and the souvenir shop) goes to the orphanage education fund.

it’s heartening to know that there are people out there who goes the extra mile to make the lives of other better.

rip stephen gately

oh gosh.

i was never a big boyzone fan but i once had a classmate in secondary school who was stephen gately’s biggest fan.

rip, mr gately.

be in the now.

“Today is a most unusual day, because we have never lived it before; we will never live it again; it is the only day we have.

Today can be a healthy unusual day for you — and for others — if you take time to give someone a smile . . . to express a word of kindness . . . to lend a helping hand to someone in need . . . to write a note of gratitude . . . to give a word of encouragement to someone who is temporarily overcome with problems . . . to share a portion of your material possessions with others.”

William Arthur Ward

be generous

“we make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” winston churchill

aging gracefully

True love is neither
physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

I could share with you.
The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the best
of everything they have.

‘Life isn’t about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain.

once in a big blue moon, i would attempt to clean up my personal email account. while cleaning, i found this email sent to me from james titled “dance in the rain”

i remembered my first reaction when i got this email.

“wow. james is capable of being sappy.” my heart warmed. nice to know age can humble people.

haha.

the last quarter of 2009

time really flies.

we’re in the last quarter of 2009. i was reflecting on the last 3 quarters of this eventful year last week and i couldn’t help but be amused and amazed by how life has turned out.

2009 started out tough. syaiful told me repeatedly that this is going to be a tough year. yes, the first half was tough. i thought i was going to lose it at work and in my personal life.

a book lifted my spirit and turned things around in late april. nothing has been the same since.

i guess the biggest breakthrough for me this year is leaving the hub for a new working experience. the second biggest breakthrough is breaking free from the people and the things that tie me down. the third biggest breakthrough event is stepping into a very dangerous and yet familiar territory.

i tried finding my 2009 resolutions so that i can review my progress but i can’t seem to find it anywhere on my blog entries. i thought i wrote about it?

oops.

the only resolutions i remember are:

1. break free from the people and things that tie me down
2. learn guitar

i honestly cannot remember the rest.

i have done a portion of #1 but i don’t think #2 is going to happen despite my early proclamations that i will make sure my guitar lessons happen this year.

it’s ok. plans change eh? haha.

i have decided to focus on 4 things in the last quarter of 2009.

1. my new job
2. pilates
3. reading
4. saving up for room revamp – i haven’t saved a single cent. haha.

i don’t think the room revamp can happen within this year though. before june 2010 is a more comfortable timeline for both myself and my bank balance. besides, neither me nor my sister seem to have time to really work on this project.

the truth of the matter is i know what i want at the end of the day is an apartment to myself so the effort to revamp the room is considerably a lot more than the joy i would get from it.

however, my dream apartment would probably take another 10 years before it materialise, so it makes sense to revamp the room eh?

i mean, the journey of a thousand miles begin with one single step and i shall take this small scale project to prep me for the bigger project in the future. haha.

i wanted to talk to my second uncle last evening about this but i forgot.

maybe i should just ask him out for tea someday!

走吧, 这是爱你的代价.

i like 李宗盛 because he sounds really wise.

i once chanced upon a tv interview of him. he was asked about relationships. he said something which stuck with me all these while: -

“don’t get into a relationship, hoping for that person to be the one who solve all your misery, who brings you infinite joy. we humans are just too tired in this day and age to be constantly there for someone else, guessing your needs and moods, satisying your needs, and making sure you are always happy.”

i thought what he said made a lot of sense.

还记得年少时的梦吗
象朵永远不凋零的花
陪我经过那风吹雨打
看世事无常
看沧桑变化
那些为爱所付出的代价
是永远都难忘的啊
所有真心的痴心的话
永在我心中
虽然已没有他
走吧
走吧
人总要学着自己长大
走吧
走吧
人生难免经历苦痛挣扎
走吧
走吧
为自己的心找一个家
也曾伤心流泪
也曾黯然心碎
这是爱的代价
也许我偶尔还是会想他
偶尔难免会惦记着他
就当他是个老朋友啊
也让我心疼
也让我牵挂
只是我心中不再有火花
让往事都随风去吧

the graceful 40

today a colleague remarked, “you know, i have come to realise that there is something very wrong with single middle age women. i don’t mean to be mean, but seriously, they are all so weird!”

i smiled.

i have always imagined myself to be a very cool and sassy single middle age woman.

my boss pat my forearm and said, “chloe, please, go and find a boyfriend and then get married.”

i laughed.

i knew that line was coming.

i replied “i actually have met a lot of very cool, sassy and successful single middle age women who are nothing like the people here.”

they agreed that some are truly remarkable and that weird single middle age women are usually insecure. how weird they turn out depends on the magnitude of their insecurities.

i once reflected on the ladies i admired and aspired to be in my head – they were all in to their mid thirties or early forties; all caring; all successful, all proficient in english, all generous, all independent, all hip, all fun, all classy and full of grace, all morally upright, all doing their part for humanity, all had an apartment of their own, all drove their own car  and all happily single.

i think i need to find a married woman who is all the above, except happily single of course.

or else i don’t see how the wirings of my mind is ever going to change.

the perks of being a wallflower

i just finished reading “the perks of being a wallflower” by stephen chbosky.

i absolutely loved it.

the deadpan tone of the book made me laugh out loud. the book was funny, poignant, sad, touching and surprising at the same time. i love the insights charlie provided on life, love and friendship in the book because it is very honest and not offensive. it was just really endearing.

i love how stepehn chbosky tells you something without actually telling it. subtlety is always nice.

i love bill, charlie’s english teacher, who always gave him books to read. in page 26, bill said to charlie: -

“do you always think this much, charlie?”

“is that bad?” charlie responded.

“not necessarily. t’s just that sometimes people use thoughts to not participate in life.

that struck a chord with me because i used to live life thinking about living life.

and when charlie shared with bill about the bizarre relationship situation his sister has gotten herself into, bill said: -

“charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve.”

and i couldn’t help but wonder just what kind of love i thought i deserve since i’m always attracted to the wrong things. perhaps, all the wrong kind of things?

charlie also spoke about a novel which bill asked him to read “the fountainhead” by ayn rand. he quoted one of the lines in the book which wowed me.

“i would die for you. but i would not live for you.”

lots of great books and music were mentioned in the book and i feel like taking time out to read all of them, especially “catcher in the rye” because i have heard a lot about the book.

reading the book got me trying to remember the highlights of my schooling days. there was no drugs, no cigarettes, no alcohol, no sex, no stories of boys masturbating in toilets, no stories of losing a close friend to suicide, or stories of parents divorces, or slashing tyres, or gays, or weekly school plays…etc.

what were the highlights of my secondary school days?

i heard of a classmate attempting to jump off the school building, i heard of the same classmate locking herself in the toilet because she wanted to slash her wrist all in the name of love, or a school mate who jumped off one of the hdb flats near school because of love, i personally had to protect my friend from her boyfriend stalker-ish ex-girlfriend, me helping a group of friends to cheat in a geography test, me being asked to stand in front of the whole school because of my fringe, me being the english/history teacher’s favourite, me being the math’s teacher least favourite, me being slapped by gangsters, me telling lies to escape dance classes, me being chauffeured home by my discipline master, me losing my wallet, me quitting as school prefect because every wanted to boycott the discipline mistress by quitting, watching other kids smoke and drink and listening to their stories on taking drugs, meeting one strange lecturer, having fall outs with friends that got me crying and hiding in the toilet…

i guess my days at school wasn’t that dull afterall. i just wished i had more school related events to remember – there was no graduation nor prom nor memorable speeches – my most vivid memories were the dance performances for speech day but i don’t remember what speech day is all about.

can’t believe it has been 13 years since i was 13.

i am the hand that heals all mankind

i saw this video on mtv when i was on study leave last nov/dec. the video made me paused midway through my mcspicy meal because it was so inspiring, provoking and mind blowing. i had goosebumps watching it. i was so humbled and grateful for everything that i had suddenly. i felt so small. i was so moved by the compassionate acts that people were doing around the world.

i wanted to get out of my seat and go out and do something for the world but at that time, i could only finished my meal, switched off the tv and go back to studying.

that video was at the back of my head all these while. it’s just unfortunate that the daily humdrum of life tend to overshadow everything else in life.

i desperately need to do something for the world.

i shall go read up on the organisations featured in the video because that was what i told myself to do after watching the video in dec 2008. it’s almost been a year and i haven’t done a single thing yet!

i have been listening to this song lately and the chorus jumps out at me because it reminds me of lately.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it’s lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it’s too late,
What about now?

Now that we’re here,
Now that we’ve come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

the LAST series : farewell, at last

31 july 2009

my last day at the hub after being there for 5 years and 1 month.

i barely slept the whole night because i was rushing scrapbooks for jenice, shirley, sandy, nurul and syaiful. it was a mad rush and i wanted to give up halfway during the wee hours of the night but i perservered.

eventually, sleep gave in when i was working on sandy’s scrapbook. i took a short nap at 5 before waking up at 6am to continue with the scrapbook. i was so drowsy from the lack of sleep, i no longer know what i was writing. haha.

i was still working on my last scrapbook at 8am.

finally! project farewell completed at 8.15am.

i carried a bag full of candies, one 20 page scrapbook album for jenice and 4 pieces of scrap art for the rest and dashed out of the house.

first thing i did when i reached the office was to give eveyone their gifts. their tears and appreciation made all my efforts and exhaustion so worth it.

♣

my last attendance at the dept meeting.

my last day was also jenice’s 5th year anniversary at work. the girl was so caught up with work and everything else she forgot about her anniversary. haha. thank god, we remembered!

my farewell celebration officially begins: -

the beautiful farewell video

boss asked me to say a few words. i was actually quite embarrassed because i know everyone is waiting for me to burst into tears but i had zero tears to offer. a while back, when i first gave boss the letter, he told me to enjoy my last month – to stop the tears and be joyous. i guess i took his advice a bit too seriously.

boss giving me a cd copy of the farewell video.

jenice was tasked to present me with the farewell gift – a gift that will make me remember my time with them.

a ball of black. jenice was crying so hard.

“the union cup ah?”, i couldn’t help wild guessing.

the gift turned out to be a really beautiful black titus watch.

photo taking session begins:

one with the nasty boss.
for some unknown reason, we always looked very uncomfortable taking pictures together. i think we both have this uncanny ability to get on each other nerves. hahaha.

one with my wonderful team.

one with jenice’s team.

one with edmund’s team.

and one with anyone who wants to have a picture with me…

edmund

the 2 interns who made the beautiful farewell video.

janet

nurul – i made the dear girl cry when i hugged her.

amirul.

shirley

sam and janet

i am well known for wearing leggings/opaque tights to work.
to celebrate my departure, the ladies came in leggings/skinny jeans/opaque tights.

almost everyone except me!

janet and i wore leggings for the forearm instead.

♣

one last picture with my team before running off for lunch.

♣

lunch was lovely.

everyone is obsessed with the rabbit pose ever since a picture of me doing this as a kid appeared on the video.

super duper cute.

jenice made a scrapbook for me too – a compilation of the fun times we had together with our usual group of friends. they wrote lots of well wishes and funny remarks on the book. haha.

after lunch, we headed to marks and spencer so that i could be in tights like the rest of the girls. shirley bought it for me as a farewell gift.

♣

came back from lunch and continued with moment capturing…

gregory

sandy

awful friend and kns friend

syaiful

♣

leggins/tights unite!

i just can’t seemed to escape from the rabbit pose…

all the ladies unite!

♣

after receiving flowers from the team, i was told that there was another surprise waiting for me in boss’s room.

i got all tense hearing “boss’s room” because i’m terrified of being pranked by him.

see, i don’t even dare to go near his cupboard. haha.

i was still very wary of the surprise they have for me…

it turns out to be a tin full of biscuits. haha.

BUT!

i was still wary that something will jump out from the tin…haha.

with tentative steps, i took out the paper slowly…

and heaved a sigh of relief when i realised there is really no hidden monsters in the tin. they just wanted to make sure i don’t starve while working in faraway places. so sweet.

♣

our last hour as colleagues…

the little girl i so adore.

our last picture as boss and subordinate.
we finally looked comfortable in a picture.

i can only credit that to pure relief – you’re no longer my nasty boss!!!!
hahaha.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

thank you for giving me such a wonderful farewell.

when i think back to this day, i am filled with unadulterated joy. these 5 years have been nothing but wonderful – a lot of hardwork and late nights but still wonderful.

i will remember all of you and i will visit you guys when my probation is over!

all my love.

always.

life is as such

after reading about the baha’i faith, i cannot help but wonder how many more non-mainstream faith are out there.

the world is so big and life is so mysterious. many answers we cannot find just by living one life alone. who are we to think that we can find the answers that explains our existence? we can only place our faith in the belief that speaks to us most clearly for humans seems to have this overwhelming need to believe in something to justify our time on Earth.

i struggle with my beliefs, shifting from one to another from time to time because no one faith gives me perfect understanding or frees me completely. i am always stuck somewhere, unable to progress to another spiritual level.

perhaps, someday, i’ll fully accept that being freed completely comes from accepting the fact that you will never fully understand.

i don’t even know why i am confused over the same thing i thought i’ve gained clarity in early 2009.

.

.

.

a whole cloud of thoughts just pop up in my head.

are regrets such a bad thing?

which is more important? follow your heart and end up making the biggest mistake or follow the norm and be normal but always safe?

i once told james “everyone says i should not do this” and he replied matter of factly “everyone is always wrong”.

is happiness the only goal in life?

how can you love without ever hurting someone? it can’t be done. if you want to avoid hurting, then don’t love at all and if you want to love, be strong enough to deal with the hurt.

it’s all part and parcel of life.

it’s silly how we try to shield ourselves from the inevitable.